Fear
by samuraiheart
Summary: Very dark fic. Aya x Ken, Yohji x Ken
1. Part One

samuraiheart's Fear 

**_ Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of their respective owners. _**

**Fear**

_by samuraiheart_

Warnings: This is very dark. It contains non-consensual sex between two **guys**, but nothing graphic and shounen-ai. Please leave now if this offends you. Aya x Ken, Yohji x Ken. I don't know exactly where this fic came from. Blame it on exams and lack of sleep.

I am not afraid to die. I gave up on life long ago. I gave up on him long ago too. 

The mission is over now. My bloodstained hands shake slightly and I shiver as a cold gust of wind whips through the alleyway. 

He does not shiver. He does not even seem to notice as he turns to go. Perhaps he is already too cold to feel the chill. Sometimes I wonder if he feels anything at all. Sometimes I know he does not. 

I follow silently and try to concentrate on something else, but my thoughts keep drifting back to him. I once expected so much from him. It is hard to convince myself that it will never be. It is hard for me to accept what he has become. I shiver again. His fiery hair seems to glow in the moonlight, such a stark contrast to the ice he shows the world. 

I frown and lower my gaze. I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. I had not realized how tired I was. My vision blurs for a moment and I try to shake off the weariness. I close my eyes as I realize that it is only a tear. I can't wipe it away so I let it fall slowly down my face tracing a thin line from my eye to the edge of my jaw. I hope he doesn't notice. He never cries. I am sure he sees no point in it. He has other ways of expressing what he feels or what he doesn't feel. 

I breathe a sigh of relief as we reach the door to the flower shop. For one brief moment I think that I might escape. Maybe he is too tired. It was a difficult mission, but no. That makes no difference. That has never made a difference. It's dark, but neither of us moves to turn on the light. We've done this so many times before. I know what is expected of me. I hunt the beasts of darkness, but I do not deserve the light. I don't deserve love or hope or passion. I am not even sure I could feel it anymore. I am so cold. Somehow we find each other every time. Well, he finds me at least and I let him. 

He takes my hand and ignores the blood that still clings to it even after I have removed the claws. We go upstairs and close the door to his room quietly. 

He does not smile. I do not smile. He grabs my wrists and pushes me up against the wall. I do not struggle as he presses his lips firmly against mine. I close my eyes and pretend that he cares. Just for a moment I entertain the idea that I mean something to him, but that hope fades as I gaze into his empty eyes. They are cold and emotionless. This means nothing to him. 

He brushes the bangs from my eyes and gestures to the bed. I know the routine. We have done this so many times before. 

I pull off my clothes and stand before him calmly. He removes his as well and pushes me onto the bed. I lie on my back and turn my head as he runs his hands over my chest. I can see the stars through the small window to my left. They seem so much dimmer than I remember. It is as if they are hiding their light from me. I do not deserve the stars anymore. 

He turns my head to face him. He gets angry when I don't pay attention, but I don't care anymore. When this is all over, I will slip back into my room and try not to cry. I rarely succeed. 

He is almost finished now. I try to ignore the pain, but it is so much more than physical. I can push that away without much effort. I tell myself that I am numb and that he cannot hurt me anymore. I'm not sure that I believe it. 

His hands press against my shoulders and his nails sting my skin as they draw blood. 

When it ends, he lies beside me and wraps his arms around me possessively. I do not protest. I do not move. I tell myself that he needs this somehow. I say that I am only trying to help. 

At some point he falls asleep and his embrace becomes relaxed. I escape. I carefully pick up my clothes and wander back to my room. 

It is dark there too. It is cold there too. I do not want to sleep. I have to think. I have to understand. I need to understand, but I cannot. 

My eyelids grow heavy as the last tears stream down my cheeks and the last sob escapes my lips, but I cannot sleep. I must wash my hands. There is blood on my hands. There will always be blood on my hands. As I stand up and leave the room, I see a shadow lurking in the hallway. My muscles tense and my heart beats faster as I wonder if it's him. I don't know what to do. I want to scream or run, but I do not. I wait. 

I let out a deep breath and feel myself relax as Yohji steps into the moonlight. The look on his face is not something that I am used to. If I didn't know better, I might call it compassion or even caring, but I know it is not. It cannot be. How can any one of us know what that is anymore? He holds out his hand and I stare at it not knowing what to do. I see a sadness in his eyes as he moves closer to me and puts an arm around my waist. I feel responsible for the sadness there. It doesn't belong in those eyes. I feel guilty for the dimness there. They have lost some of their sparkle. I know it was there once. I lean on him as he leads me to the bathroom. 

I am so tired. I do not like the questions in his eyes. They ask me why and I cannot respond. I do not like the answers there either. His gaze burns into my soul and I am sure that he knows everything. He does not ask. I do not say. 

I cannot look at him as he wraps a towel around me and helps me out of the shower. I am afraid of what I will see in his eyes. I do not want pity. I look up suddenly as he runs his fingers over a fresh bruise on my cheek. I tell him it is from the mission. He lowers his gaze and I wonder when he stopped believing me. He used to believe me. 

I don't know what to do when he wraps his arms around me and gives me a gentle hug. I know he feels sorry for me. He can't help me. I close my eyes and fight back tears. This hug is so different from Aya's. I could almost convince myself that it means something. I feel Yohji's hands trembling as he lets go and I wonder what he is thinking about. He leans closer to me and I can feel his warm breath on my face before he kisses me. I don't know what to do. I do not move. I cannot move. His kiss is like nothing I have ever felt before. It is over too soon and I wonder why I want him to kiss me again. I wonder how such a simple act can mean so much. I shake my head as my thoughts overwhelm me and I lay my head on his shoulder and let the tears fall as he runs his fingers through my hair. He is whispering something to me, but I can't make it out over the sound of my own sobs. It is soothing and comforting. I hold on to him tighter and do not want to let go. 

After several minutes the tears subside and I lift my head slowly. I am ashamed of what I have done. I have burdened him with my problems. He will never look at me the same way again. I look up cautiously. Our eyes meet and I am faced with something that I did not expect. I see no hate in his eyes. His lips curve slightly and I think that he smiled at me. I find that hard to believe, but something flashed across his lips that I cannot identify as anything else. I want it to be a smile more than anything else. I want this to mean something. I want to know what he is thinking. I want this to last. 

Yohji helps me stand and leads me back to my room. He kisses me lightly on the cheek before he leaves and I stare after him for a long time. He said something to me before he left and I still can't believe what I heard. It must be a mistake. He could not possibly have meant it the way that it seems. He said, "Aishiteru." He said that he loves me. I cautiously touch the place on my cheek that he had kissed just moments ago. It seems to burn with possibilities. I lie down and close my eyes. I try not to think about it, but I keep hearing those words whispered over and over in my mind. Aishiteru. Aishiteru. How could he possibly love me? How could anyone love me? 

I open my eyes and glance at the window. I blink as I look at the stars. They seem brighter somehow. I cannot help but wonder what that means. I am not sure if I can love him. I gave up on love so long ago. I am afraid of what will happen. I am afraid that I will not be able to give him what he wants. I am afraid that he does not want anything. I am afraid that he loves me unconditionally. My heart beats faster. I am scared. 

I do not want to wait. I need to know now. I wonder if he is still awake. I am not sure that I care. I just want to be near him. I want to make sure that he is real. I need to know that this is real. I am afraid now. I am afraid of what Aya will say. I am afraid of what Aya will do. I am afraid that I will do something wrong. I am not ready for this. I am afraid that I love Yohji too. 

~to be continued~

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	2. Part Two

samuraiheart's Fear 

** Fear: Part Two  
by samuraiheart**

_ Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of their respective owners. _

Warnings: This is very dark. It contains shounen-ai. Aya x Ken, Yohji x Ken. 

I hear my alarm clock, but I don't want to wake up. Yohji can open the shop without me today. It is so warm here in my bed. I do not want to move. I start to drift off again, but I wonder who turned off the alarm. It shouldn't just stop on its own. I open my eyes wide as I remember the details of last night. Yohji. I am in Yohji's bed. I am not sure what to do. I wonder if it was a mistake. He was so kind to me last night. I was still so shaken from my encounter with Aya and Yohji just held me until I fell asleep. I think this is the first night in a long time that I didn't have any nightmares. 

I shiver when I think about Aya waiting for me downstairs. I wonder what he will say. I wonder what he will do. He doesn't know, but I can't do it again. I can't ever let him do it again. Yohji says I don't deserve it. I am not sure that I believe him, but I know that it causes Yohji pain and I don't ever want to do anything to cause him pain again. I cringe as I hear a knock at the door. Oh no, what if it's him? What if he comes in here? What if he sees? Oh my god. 

No. It's okay. It's only Omi. Omi won't say anything. He won't pry. He is a good friend. I am glad that I can count on him. 

I close my eyes again and hope that Yohji will just let me sleep. I know I am not being a good teammate, but I am afraid of what will happen when I go downstairs. Someone will ask about the bruise and I will laugh and say that I fell. They will believe me and they will laugh too. All of the girls will point and call me clumsy. I will smile shyly and shake my head. I will blink back a few tears and hope that no one notices. I will wonder when I became so weak. I will question whether I belong in this group anymore. I will realize that I have nowhere else to go. 

I flinch and open my eyes again as a gentle hand touches my shoulder. 

"KenKen." Yohji says softly. I look up at him confused for a moment and then I smile. His eyes still have a trace of that look from last night. I know that he still cares. I sit up slowly and wince at the brightness of the light. A dull ache throbs behind my eyes and I lift my hand to my temple and close my eyes again. My hand touches the bruise cautiously. I look up and see Yohji looking at me with concern. I assure him that I am okay and he nods and tells me to get ready for work. He leaves me alone and heads down stairs. 

After a few minutes, I wander back to my room and pull on some work clothes. I don't know who will be in the shop today. I am sure that it will be a busy day as usual. 

As I enter the shop I see Yohji flirting with a customer and trying to convince her that pink flowers suit her best. She seems convinced. I wonder how he does it. He flirts with every girl that comes in the shop. I always thought that meant something, but now I realize that is just another intricate part of his personality. I do not see any love in his eyes as he talks to the woman. He is pleasant and friendly, but it does not go beyond that. 

My heart beats faster. I wonder how many people have seen that look in Yohji's eyes. I hope that I am one of few. I know that he guards his heart preciously. I know that he is afraid of getting hurt, but I think that he is also afraid of being alone. I know what that is like. I guess that has something to do with the way that I feel about Aya. I don't want him to be alone and I have always felt something for him. When this all began, I hoped that it could blossom into something more, but I soon realized that I was just another outlet for his anger. He did not love me, but he needed me somehow. I know now that it is not the same, but it is hard to see that sometimes. I always thought that things might change. I knew that I could not fight back. He is taller than me and stronger than me, but those weren't the only reasons. I was afraid that I would be alone. I was afraid that if I rejected Aya I would no longer be a part of the group. I don't know what I would do without this group. I live for them. 

Another customer walks in. Yohji glances in my direction and I nod. He wants me to help her and I will. I will do anything for him. I feel my heart beat faster at that thought and I hope that the blush does not show on my cheeks as I point to a small bouquet on a nearby shelf. She likes it and she smiles. I take the flowers to the cash register and ring up her order. I wave goodbye to her and wish her luck. 

The shop is quiet again. There are no customers. I take a deep breath and look around. I haven't seen Aya yet this morning. I wonder if he is still in his room. I clasp my hands together and lean lightly on the counter. I try to look nonchalant. I try to act as if it doesn't bother me. I imagine what it will be like when he comes downstairs. Will he glare at me? Probably, but that doesn't really mean anything. He would do that anyway. I try to think of the worst possible situation so that I can be prepared for it. I see the shimmer of his katana in my mind's eye and I shudder. Maybe I shouldn't think about that right now. 

I look up as I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. I glance warily at Yohji and he tries to reassure me with a shake of his head. I guess he doesn't want me to worry, but I can't help it. I wish that a customer would come in right now. It would give me something to do. It would distract me from his penetrating gaze. He is staring at me. I try to ignore it, but his violet eyes seem to draw me towards him. I look up as he walks to the counter and bends closer to my face. Long, delicate fingers lift my chin so that my eyes meet his and I decide not to resist. I see Yohji coming closer out of the corner of my eye, but I cannot keep my gaze off of Aya. There is something different about him. There is an uncertainty in the way he stands that I am not used to seeing. I pale as I see the anger in his eyes and I know that I am the target. Violet gems seem to burn with a fury meant only for me. He snatches his hand away from my face quickly and whispers something under his breath. 

"I don't need you." 

I am not sure if I heard him correctly. It seems like the kind of thing he might say, but I am puzzled by the tone that I heard in his voice. He seemed to be trying to convince himself more than anything else. I let out a shaky breath and close my eyes as the front door closes and I see Aya hurry down the street. I just stand there for a few moments trying to gather my senses. I lean into the warmth standing beside me and do not flinch as he runs his fingers through my hair. 

"Yohji," I say cautiously, "what are we going to do?" 

I look up into his shining green eyes. He shifts his stance a little and I can tell that he has not thought this far ahead. "It doesn't matter, KenKen. You don't belong to him." Yohji says the last words coldly and I wonder how much he really knows about the situation. I think maybe he has talked to Aya about this before. 

I stare after him as he crosses the room to water the flowers over there. I can't help but wonder about all of this. He looks a little more tense than he should. I find myself worrying about him. I find myself wishing that he had never known. I shake my head and turn back to a row of flower arrangements behind me. I move from one to the next carefully straightening crooked blooms and turning vases so that they face the customers properly. I guess he would have found out eventually. Maybe it's better this way. 

The possibilities frighten me. I wonder how long this will last. I turn to look at him again and I admire the way that his hair falls across his cheek as he bends down to pick up a fallen petal. He loves me. My lips curve up slightly. I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time. I don't know if I would call it joy. I think that it has something to do with anticipation. I can almost remember what my life was like before Aya. I can almost remember how I felt before that first night. I think that it was something like this. I think I felt something like joy. I can remember light brown hair and jade-colored eyes greeting me and I can remember smiling. I can remember the time that Aya threatened me because I closed my eyes. I can remember what I saw and what I felt. Strong arms comforting me. A soft voice whispering my name. My fingers in light brown hair and running over smooth skin. I can remember the glimmer of green that filled my vision as I opened my eyes again and saw Aya. I can remember the pain and loneliness that I felt then. 

I don't know what is happening to me. My hands are shaking again. I can remember it all. I don't know how I ended up sitting on the floor with my knees drawn up close to me. I can still feel his hands on me. I don't know why I am crying. I can still hear his words. I don't know what to do. I am still fighting to push him away from me. I don't want to open my eyes. I am afraid of what I will see. I know the glimmer in those violet orbs and it frightens me. I have to get away. I need to run, but I know he will not let me. 

I hear the shattering of glass as a vase falls to the ground and I shudder. He is standing over me. He will hit me again if I move. I feel someone touch my shoulder and I cry out. Please, no. Just go away, Aya. Please. I can't seem to catch my breath. I don't want to open my eyes. I don't know why I am crying. Warm tears run down my cheeks as I lean into a comforting embrace. The darkness seems to beckon me from the depths of my memories. I am so cold. I know that I am shaking. I try to stop. I know that this can't be real, but it is hard to convince myself. I open my eyes and analyze my surroundings wearily. I am so afraid that this has all been a dream. I am so afraid that I will see his face. Aya's face. I will see the coldness in his eyes and the hate that burns deep within him. I will feel the emptiness that he feels. That's what he wants and I know it. He wants to share the emptiness that haunts him. I shiver and try to keep from sobbing. I cling to the form kneeling before me. I am still so confused. It takes me a few moments to realize that Yohji is with me. For a second I wonder why he is here with Aya. Then I remember the flowers. I was straightening a bouquet of roses. Red roses. Blood red roses. I fight to stay calm as the image swims before me again. 

I shake my head and look up into concerned green orbs and lay my head on Yohji's shoulder. He says it will be alright. I stand up slowly and I think that I almost believe him. I am not sure. It will take a while. I don't belong to Aya. 

That phrase echoes through my mind as he leads me to the back room and offers me something to drink. I take the steaming cup thankfully and marvel at the kindness that he shows towards me. I wince at the pain that I see in his gaze and I make a promise to myself to try to erase that hurt someday. It will be a difficult task, but I think that I am up to the challenge. 

He asks if I want him to stay with me, but I know that someone has to watch the shop and so I shake my head and gesture for him to go. I am still feeling kind of lost, but things are becoming clearer. I am not sure exactly what happened to me out there, but I think that it was important. I know it will be hard to forget Aya, but I am glad that I have Yohji to help. Aya's words come back to me as I lean against the cushions of the couch. I take a deep breath and say them to myself "I… don't… I don't need… you." My voice comes out in a shaky whisper, but I have made a decision. I say it again with a little more assurance. "I don't need you, Aya." 

I can do this. I have to do this. For him. For Yohji. Because he loves me. Because he has always been there for me. Because I don't belong to Aya. Because I think that I could be happy with Yohji. Because he loves me. Because I love him too. 

~to be continued~

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	3. Part Three

samuraiheart's Fear 

**Fear: Part Three **

By samuraiheart 

_ Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of their respective owners. _

Warnings: This is very dark. It contains shounen-ai. Aya x Ken, Yohji x Ken. 

I can't seem to get to sleep. I stare at the blank whiteness of the ceiling above me and try to relax. It is not working. I lift my head slightly at the sound of someone moving around downstairs. I turn my head to the side and glance at my alarm clock. It is late. I don't know who would be up at this hour. I slowly sit up in bed and push the tangled sheets away from me as I stand up and walk carefully to the door. I open it cautiously and peer into the hallway. 

Darkness greets me and for a moment I think that maybe I am imagining things. I am about to turn back to my bed when I hear a voice from downstairs. I can't tell exactly what the voice is saying, but he sounds angry. I don't know who it could be. 

I freeze when I hear a voice respond. There is no mistaking it this time. It is Aya. Is he just now getting home? What has he been doing all night? Is there someone down there with him? 

I creep into the hallway. I am careful not to make a sound as I tiptoe down the hallway and towards the dim glow from the staircase. Moonlight pours from the hall window and shines down the stairs in a jagged line. There is a light on downstairs. It's warm glow blends into the coolness of the moonlight. 

I strain to hear some sort of sound from below. I hear footsteps. My heart is beating too quickly and I find myself taking quick shallow breaths. I place one hand on the wall in an effort to steady myself. I bend my head and close my eyes until I am able to focus on the situation at hand again. I wonder if I should return to my bedroom. I shake off the urge to run and continue to make my way down the hallway. I hear a voice again. This time the words are clearer. They are yelling. 

"When did you start caring, Kudou?" The words are bitter and anger. They hang like jeweled icicles in the stillness of the night. I pause in my effort to descend the stairs and wait for a response. I find myself leaning closer to the sounds, hoping to hear Yohji's voice. I feel myself wanting to run down there and put a stop to all of this. Somehow I can't will my feet to move any further. I am frozen to the spot just five steps down from the top of the staircase. My hands are shaking again. I lift them cautiously and rake my hands through my hair. I shake my head and try to make sense of it all. 

"I don't want to fight about this tonight, Aya." Yohji's voice is calm and soothing. He is trying to diffuse the situation. I find myself smiling at that. I can picture him down there standing in front of Aya with his hands slightly raised and his emerald eyes sparkling with sincerity. I lean my head against the cool wall and close my eyes as I wait for a reply. 

"Damn it! I'll do whatever I goddamn please and you'll stay out of it!" Those angry words pierce my heart. They are words that I have heard before. He has whispered those things in my ear as he ran his slender fingers over my face and through my hair. He made them infinitely clear as he clasped my wrists in his delicate, strong hands and held them down against the mattress. I clench my fists and fight back the images that flit across my vision briefly. I don't want to think about that now. I don't have to think about him anymore. 

"Aya, listen…" 

"Leave me the hell alone!" 

The door slams and I hear the sound echo throughout the small shop. I clutch the edge of the stair I'm sitting on with both hands and bite my lip. Did he leave? Is he gone? I feel my muscles tense again as I hear footsteps coming towards the staircase. Is it Aya? Oh gods, what will he do if he sees me here? Would Yohji walk out like that? 

I press myself up against the wall and stare wide-eyed at the emptiness on the landing of the staircase. This is too much. I'm not ready to face him just yet. I will be soon, but not right now. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. 

I frantically push myself up against the wall in an effort to make myself invisible as the footsteps get closer. They are careful and measured as if the person is uncertain about something. I don't have time to analyze that. I have to get out of here. I hear a sob escape my lips and I start to panic. I can't cry in front of him. I can't let him know what he does to me. I don't seem to be in control anymore as my arms and legs rush hurriedly to hide me from his gaze. I bring my knees up closer to my face and I stare with wide eyes at the shadow that is slowly creeping towards me. The silhouette is just about to round the corner. I try to keep perfectly still. I do not even breathe as the figure makes it's way up the staircase. I fight back a choking sob as the moonlight spills onto the figure's face and reveals light brown hair and a familiar face. 

Relief washes over me in waves as the face comes into focus and I realize that it is Yohji. He bends closer to me and whispers something about everything being okay now. He tells me not to worry. He reaches out a hand to help me up and I take it gratefully. We ascend the rest of the stairs together and he leads me back to my room. 

There are so many things I want to ask him. I need to know what they were fighting about. I need to know why Aya was so angry. I need to know so many things, but I can't seem to find the words as I look up into his gentle gaze and fall into an embrace. He holds me close and brings one hand up to brush my dark bangs away from my face. I lean into the touch. I want this so much. 

"KenKen…" I smile at the familiar nickname. I love the way he says me name. I look down briefly at the floor before I meet his gaze and feel my lips curving up into something close to a smile. I see his eyes light up at this and I know that I have done the right thing. I smile a little more broadly and he reaches out to wind one arm around my shoulder. He presses me close to him and I lean my head into the space below his chin. He rests his head on top of mine and we stand like that for a few moments. I feel my eyelids drooping and I know that I will be able to fall asleep tonight. He pulls away and kisses me on the forehead and then the cheek before he gestures for me to go back to bed. 

"Arigatou." I whisper as he closes the door to my room. He shakes his head and smiles. I guess that is his way of saying that I don't need to thank him. I disagree. He has done so much for me. He has given me back something that I never thought I would ever find again. I lean against the hard surface of the door for a few minutes and think about what all of this means. I wonder how long it will last. I can still feel the warmth of his breath against my neck and when I close my eyes all I see is the comforting view of his gaze. I take a deep breath and push aside the butterflies in my stomach. 

There is something unmistakably right about this. It's something that I can't exactly explain, but I need to. I need to let Yohji know what he means to me. I need to tell him how much he has given me. I need to make him see. I stumble back to my bed with these thoughts dancing through my head and I do not worry about the morning. I lay my head on my pillow and let myself drift off to sleep with Yohji's name on my lips and an indescribable emotion swirling around in the pit of my stomach. There is fear there, but there is also something else. Something that I am almost afraid to name, but something that I have admitted to myself a long time ago. Now I will finally get the chance to show him. I can finally tell him. 

Kudou Yohji. Someday, I will thank you for all of this. I will hold you in my arms without hesitation and I will tell you that I love you in a strong clear voice, but until then thank you for understanding and being patient. I know that it can't be easy for you, but I am forever grateful. Aishitteru. 

~to be continued~

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	4. Part Four - End

samuraiheart's Fear 

**Fear: Part Four **

by samuraiheart 

_ Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of their respective owners. _

Warnings: This is very dark. It contains shounen-ai. Aya x Ken, Yohji x Ken. 

We are on a mission tonight. It is not a difficult one. In fact, it should be relatively simple. A few quick movements and the targets will fall. Now all we have to do is find them. There is no doubt that they are in this building. They could not have escaped. All of the exits have been monitored. We will find them soon enough and collect payment for the evils that they have unleashed on the world. Soon enough, they will pay in blood. 

I follow behind my teammates and glance back to make sure that we are not being followed. I hear the sound of a struggle before I round the corner. We have found them. The two executives cower in a corner as we come up to face them. I stand back slightly and decide to guard the door. My help is not needed. They have no weapons that would be effective against Yohji's wire or Aya's katana. 

I am glad that Omi is keeping a close watch on the building from the outside. He's always been the one to mess with the security cameras and use them to our advantage. 

I stare at the scene before me in fascination. Aya moves with such grace and precision as he brings his sword down to slice through his victim. The victim clutches his wound briefly before collapsing to the ground in a puddle of crimson. There is almost beauty in the way that Aya fights. I stare at his pale hands as he repositions his katana in a defensive position and turns away from the target. It is hard to believe that hands like those could also hold such cruelty. 

I know that doesn't make much sense. Murder is inherently cruel, I suppose, but somehow his actions do not remind me of the pain or manipulation I used to feel at his hands. Those were different emotions entirely. This dichotomy only serves to reaffirm my belief that that was not him. All of those nights, that anguish, it was not him. It could not be him. Maybe the coldness trapped deep within his heart finally found away to reveal itself, but not Aya. That was not the Aya who used to laugh with his imouto or the one who could carefully arrange a bouquet of roses in order to bring a smile to a young woman's face. That man, so many nights ago, so few nights ago, was not the real Aya. It was not Ran. 

I step back slightly and shake my head. I cannot allow myself to be so distracted during a mission. He is staring at me with disdain as he brushes past me and walks out into the darkness of the corridor. For a moment violet eyes meet mine and I am frozen to the spot. I quickly regain control and follow behind Yohji as we sneak down the hallway in search of the exit. It is not too far. The mission is almost over. 

I hear a loud noise behind me and I freeze. We all turn to gaze in that direction and break into a run when we see a group of angry men standing at the other end of the corridor. They have not seen us yet. We must hurry before we are seen. The radio crackles with static and I hear Omi telling us to escape. Someone is coming. We have to get out of here. We reach an open area and decide to split up. There is less of a chance that we will be caught if they cannot find all of us. We will meet outside. 

I dart into a random office as I hear footsteps behind me. I press myself up against the wall and peer through the window cautiously hoping that I will not be seen. The man pauses near the door and looks around, but he does not come inside. I breathe a sigh of relief and head back into the hallway. I go back the way I came. I saw an exit nearby. I can make it there if I am careful. 

I hear gunshots and I draw in a sharp breath as loud voices echo to my left. The exit is to my right. I should not worry about the others. They can handle things on their own. My job is to get out of here. I start to turn to the left when I hear a ragged breath on the radio. It is Aya. "Help…" 

It sounds so desperate. It is not the kind of thing that I would expect him to say. He is usually so professional and cold during a mission. My heart is beating faster as I rush down the hallway to my right. Now I am sure that it was Aya that these guys were after. I hope that Yohji made it out okay. Now I have to help Aya. 

I rush into the situation without pausing to assess the situation. I know it is foolish, but I need the element of surprise. Without it I am outnumbered and at a clear disadvantage. I glimpse a brief flash of red hair that assures me that Aya is nearby before I swing my claw in a wide arc taking down two men with one swipe. I hear the sound of flesh tearing and smell the blood as it pools at my feet. 

Aya is pinned up against the wall. He is bleeding and he looks deathly pale. I clench my jaw and turn to face the final attacker. He is grinning as he raises his gun to aim at me, but he is too slow. I thrust my claws into his chest in one quick motion. His eyes widen briefly before he falls to the ground with a harsh thud. 

I glance about the room and see no less than six others lying there. They must have all found Aya somehow. I walk up to him. He is leaning against the wall and taking ragged breaths. His face is drained of color and I gasp when I see the blood from a wound on his shoulder. I reach out and put a hand on his other shoulder. He jumps as if he did not know I was there. Violet eyes meet mine for an instant and widen before he lowers his head and whispers. "Gomen ne." 

I shake my head and tell him everything will be all right. He leans heavily on me as we struggle to make it back to the others. He is limping slightly and I hold on to him tightly to make sure he does not fall. His words echo in my thoughts as we slowly make our way down the hallway. I pray that there are no more attackers. I know that we would not be able to run away. Not with Aya in this condition and I will not leave him. 

Gomen ne. What was he apologizing for? Maybe he was just sorry that he hadn't been able to handle the men on his own. That would make sense, but I am not sure. There was something in his voice that makes me feel like he meant it another way. It seemed so sad and regretful. He keeps one arm around my waist and leans most of his weight onto me. I pull him closer to me. I somehow feel a desperate need to hold on to him. I am afraid that he will slip away if I don't. 

I see the exit and breathe a sigh of relief. I hope that Yohji and Omi are waiting just outside. I smile when I see them and I can tell that they are relieved to see us. We stumble towards the car and I feel Aya lose his delicate grip on consciousness just before we reach the door. I reach out to catch him and cradle his limp form in my arms. I keep him close to me the entire ride home. 

Yohji and Omi assure me that he will be fine. They say it doesn't look serious. I stroke his fiery hair in the back seat and run my fingers over his face. It is so calm and still. I feel like I am holding a fragile porcelain doll. Ivory skin contrasts with the dark red blood that seeps through his clothing in a sickeningly shiny stain. 

We are home now. I stand back against the wall as Yohji and Omi work on Aya's wounds. I am feeling kind of lost tonight. His blood is still on my hands and I have no desire to clean it off right now. I sink down into a sitting position and stare blankly at the scene before me. I feel like I am not really here. I feel like this has all been a terrible nightmare and I am afraid that any minute now I will wake up only to find a worse one. I shiver at the thought and bring my knees up closer to my chest. I wrap my arms around them loosely and rest my chin there. 

Yohji is busy wrapping Aya's wounds and Omi is putting ice on his ankle. It looks like he will be all right. He didn't lose that much blood and the bullet only grazed his shoulder. His ankle is swollen but there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. It is probably just a sprain. 

I feel relief wash over me in waves as I contemplate the scene before me. His words still haunt me. I don't know why. I am probably just reading too much into things. He has been so distant lately, but he hasn't glared at me for a long time and he doesn't yell at Yohji anymore. I was actually thinking that things were looking better. I wanted to thank him somehow, but I never knew how. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it does mean a lot to me. It makes me think that maybe the real Aya is coming back. The one without the bitterness or the hate. 

Well, I guess we all have some of that or we wouldn't be Weiss, but I've always felt there was more to Aya than he let on. There is something pure and innocent about him that I have occasionally glimpsed in his eyes. I see it sometimes in the flower shop, when he bends down to greet a small child who seems to be frightened of something or the horror I saw sometimes as I pulled away from his embrace and stumbled back to my room in the darkness. 

I look up briefly as I realize that something is going on. They are finished now. Yohji walks over to me and offers me a hand to help me up. I take a deep breath and pull myself to my feet. I am very tired. Yohji asks me if I am okay and I nod. I can't find the words right now to describe how I am feeling. It is always difficult to come home when one of us has been injured, even if it is only a minor wound. The house seems so quiet and still without four sets of footsteps wandering and struggling to find their place in the world. 

The sun is starting to come up. I hadn't realized that it was so late. How long have I been sitting here? Yohji smiles at me and ruffles my hair playfully, but I can see that he is tired as well. "Omi is taking the first watch." Yohji says quietly as we walk down the hall. 

As we lay down together, it does not take me long to drift off. I go to sleep in his arms. My eyes flutter closed and I am met with the image of violet eyes staring back at me and the sound of Aya's voice. The next thing I know, Yohji is shaking me gently. He says I was having a nightmare. I blink a few times and try to focus on his face in the darkness. It takes me a moment to find his gentle smile amidst the dimness, but when I do, it pushes past the remnants of my dream and I reach out to pull him closer to me. He softly kisses the top of my head and I bury my face in the warmth of his chest. 

Time passes quickly and I am not really sure if I fell asleep again, but eventually Yohji pulls away and says that it is his turn to watch over Aya. I reach after him in a vain attempt to keep him here beside me. I don't want him to leave, but my eyelids fall closed before I can voice the protest. I drift fitfully in and out of dark dreams until it is my turn. 

Yohji goes to make some coffee as I sit rigidly in the small chair that has been pulled up beside Aya's bed. He looks so alone lying beneath stark white sheets. I feel my hands shaking again. This room brings back so many memories. They swirl around me like unwanted ghosts. They don't fit within this reality. I am no longer visiting this room for the same reasons. This is so different. I feel myself slipping away as I recall those nights. I need something to hold on to. I am so cold. 

I pick up Aya's hand and hold it awkwardly at first. I feel his smooth skin brush against mine and I shiver again. I try to remember the last time I have held his hand like this, but I can't think of a time. 

I lean forward to peer closer at the face before me. He looks so peaceful and relaxed. It seems like he is just sleeping. I am sure that he will wake up soon and Omi and Yohji have assured me that everything will be all right, but I stare at his face nonetheless. I rarely get the opportunity to do this. I reach out with a shaking hand to brush a stray lock of hair from his face. My hand lingers there for a little longer than it should. I brush my hand against his cheek and shake my head. I swallow hard and take a shallow breath as I pull my hand away. 

The image blurs before me as I feel tears start to fill my eyes. They linger there for a few moments until I try to blink them back. I can't. They fall down my cheeks and I frantically try to wipe them away. I try to hold myself very still and take slow calming breaths. I can't cry here. I don't want him to wake up and see me like this. The thought brings more tears to my eyes and I lean forward to bury my face in my hands. 

I rock slightly as the tears pour down my cheeks. I am still trying to contain my sobs, but they break free in quiet choking sounds that I bit my lip to restrain. I don't know why I am crying. If I knew, maybe I could do something about it. I think it has something to do with the mission. I saw something tonight that scared me and made me terribly sad at the same time. I saw Aya. I think for a moment I saw Aya as he could have been – as he should have been – without the pain, without the guilt, without the cruelty. I glance up to see his face again and bring my hand up to my mouth. 

What might have been, Aya? I shake my head and try to stop the sobs, but I can't control them anymore. I bend my head and close my eyes as I give in to the sadness and pain spinning around in my soul. I look up as I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. It's Yohji. I guess he came to check on me. My eyes ask questions that I know that he cannot answer. I am so ashamed for doing this to him. I never meant to make him worry. He leans closer to me and wraps his arms around me loosely. I bury my face in the soft warmth of his shoulder and struggle to stop the tears. My hands grasp the folds of his loose cotton shirt and I feel him run his hands through my hair. 

I am amazed by these kind gestures. A part of me wants to pull away and ask him why. A part of me wants to scream at him and demand to know how he could possibly care about me at all. But another part of me feels safe in his arms and sees the sincerity and tenderness in his gentle gaze and knows that he would never lie to me. This side wins out and I lift my head to look up at his expression. His hand moves across my face to brush away the tears. I close my eyes and let him do it, but I shudder slightly. This kind of affection is so foreign to me. It scares me more than I will ever let him know. It scares me that I may never be able to understand it and that it isn't meant to be understood. 

"Are you going to be okay?" He asks. 

"Hai." I answer calmly nodding my head to reassure him. 

"Why don't you go get some rest?" He insists as he squeezes my shoulder lightly. 

"Ie. I want to stay a little longer." He shoots me a wary look and I know that he thinks it is a bad idea. "Please." I offer simply. It is not much of an argument, but it is all I have. 

"Alright, but call me if you need anything." He finally agrees. 

I nod slowly and watch him as he heads toward the door. He pauses before closing it and gives me one last reassurance. "Everything will be okay, KenKen." 

I close my eyes briefly and my grip on the chair tightens until my knuckles whiten, but I nod again and he leaves. I take a deep breath. I feel so empty. There are no more tears. I wonder if this is how Aya feels. I wonder if he has cried. 

I lean back a little in my chair and clasp my hands together in my lap. I stare at him. I watch the way his chest moves slowly up and down as he breathes and I marvel at the sharp contrast between his fiery hair and the paleness of his skin. I recall the deep purple of his eyes and find that I am unable to compare their shade to anything else I have ever seen. 

I take in a sharp breath as I see his eyelashes flutter slightly. My eyes focus on those eyelids and I wait. I move to the edge of my seat and wait for that cold violet gaze to penetrate my soul. I have no doubt that I will see it. I wait for the icy look and the accusing glare that usually accompanies it. For a moment, I feel like I have done something horribly wrong. I lean forward slightly and tense with anticipation. I wait for the punishment that I know I deserve. I wait for the anger and hatred that I expect to see when Aya opens his eyes. Dull purple eyes reveal themselves slowly as Aya carefully opens his eyes. They have lost some of their light. I wonder why I have never noticed it before. He lifts his head slightly and his lips part for a moment as if he is trying to say something. I am at his side almost immediately. All of my fears and doubts are put on hold as I focus on the situation before me. 

"How are you feeling Aya?" My forehead creases in worry and he nods almost imperceptibly. He is struggling to say something and I am not sure what it is. I lean closer and wait for him to find the words. 

"Why?" he says hoarsely. The sound is barely above a whisper. I raise my eyebrow in confusion. I don't understand what he is asking. He raises his hand a little and gestures at his surroundings. "Why did you save me?" 

A stillness hangs in the room as he awaits my response. I am stunned by the question. Did he really expect that I wouldn't come? I feel my expression soften a little at this realization. My lips curve up in a sympathetic smile and my eyes shine with understanding. I cautiously reach out and take his hand in mine. I hold it loosely and he does not pull away. I bite my lip. I had never expected it to be this hard, but I need to tell him. I have wanted to tell him this one thing for so long. Maybe everything will be all right if I can just find the right words. I look down at my hand on his and I take in a hesitant breath. My voice shakes and my next words are filled with a pain that I didn't even know I held. "You deserve a second chance." 

Somehow I can't hate him. Even after all he has done. Even after everything he has taken from me. My heart aches for him as I see him turn away and he pulls his hand from my grasp. 

"I don't deserve anything." He says harshly, but there is pain in his voice too. I hear it in the way his voice wavers on the last word and I see him clench his fists around the white sheets at his sides. 

I search for the words to make him understand. I wish that Yohji were here. He would know what to say. I tilt my head a little and look at him sincerely as he glances over at me again. My heart is beating quickly and I find it difficult to breath as I say the next words. They are so important and yet I have no idea how I am going to phrase it until the words leave my lips. "Promise me something, Aya. Don't give up on yourself so easily." 

I stand up and bend closer to him to adjust the sheets and make sure that he is comfortable. I inspect the bandages cautiously and then look into his eyes one more time. He is looking up at me as if he has just seen a ghost. His eyes are wide and disbelieving. I swallow and close my eyes briefly before I squeeze his hand one more time and breathe one more word. "Promise?" 

I try to make it sound lighter than it is, but the stillness in the room betrays my intentions. I need him to understand this or neither of us will ever move on with our lives. I need to do this for him, for Yohji and for myself. I stand up and start to turn towards the door. It doesn't seem like I am going to get a response out of him tonight. I sigh softly in defeat and try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. 

"Hai." I turn back toward the figure lying in bed almost unsure that I heard a sound. He turns away at my gaze, but I watch in awe as he continues. "I promise." He says softly. 

I am frozen to the spot. The world has disappeared around me and all I can see is those violet eyes framed by pale skin as delicate lashes come down to cover them briefly. I grasp the back of the chair in an effort to stable myself. I blink in uncertainty as I fight to regain control and say something in response. "I'll leave you alone now. You need your rest. Call if you need anything." 

He nods and I back out of the room closing the door behind me cautiously. In the hallway, I lean against the wall opposite of his room and breathe a sigh of relief. I smile. I can't help it. A torrent of emotions is struggling within my soul yearning to break free. I almost can't decide how I should feel. My knees feel weak and weariness is starting to take over. I glance at the darkness of my room and the dim light coming from the kitchen below. 

I waver between elation and sorrow as I feel a bright new emotion soar within my heart. It is something that I almost do not recognize. It has been so long and yet it feels familiar. It tugs at my thoughts and gleams with possibilities. Hope. I can almost see a future here. I can almost understand. I can almost believe that everything will be okay. I push myself away from the wall and glance towards my room briefly before heading towards the staircase. I want to see Yohji. He is waiting for me downstairs. 

Hope is a funny thing. It is not so different from fear. Hope is fragile and waits just beyond the edge of reality. It beckons from the darkness just beyond your reach. I am so afraid that I will never be able to reach out and touch it. I will lose it before I am able to fully understand it. It will fade from my memory like the images of a distant dream as the dawn comes to wake me from a fitful slumber. But I will try and that is all I can ever do. Hope. Yohji, I'm coming. 

~Owari (finally!)~

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